A while back, I worked with a smart, committed, achieving senior leader who struggled to say "No".
Requests for her time consistently came in from all directions – family members, friends, peers, team members and her boss.
And while she wanted to say no, because frankly she was already overloaded to breaking point, the people pleaser in her took over.
“Even when I find myself thinking “no, no, no, what comes out is “yes”, she said.
And the problem with this, as we explored the result, was two-fold.
Firstly, and understandably, she was exhausted.
Secondly, much of what she was doing wasn’t for her benefit, personally or professionally.
Her days and nights comprised a never-ending to-do list, a great deal of which she didn’t want to do, and from a work point of view, wasn’t actually part of her job and didn’t help propel her forward.
When I asked her to break it down, she was staggered at how little time she spent on the things important to her general well-being, and her professional success.
Instead, she was taking on work for colleagues, at the expense of her own deliverables.
She was saying yes to unrealistic deadlines that pushed her work late into the evenings.
She was doing favours for family members when they could have been doing those things for themselves.
And she was agreeing to scheduled weekly video calls with friends, when all she really had the energy for was collapsing on the sofa and watching a bit of TV to unwind.
So why couldn’t she say no?
Like so many people, the idea of pushing back brought up a number of fears for her.
She worried that people would judge her or her capabilities negatively.
She worried about damaging her relationships.
She was desperate to avoid feelings of selfishness and guilt.
And she’d do anything to avoid feeling awkward.
All of which meant she was a “sucker for saying yes” (her description, not mine!)
But she knew this insistent urge to be agreeable wasn’t doing her any good.
She wanted to regain balance, prioritise in the right way and set herself up for success.
At her wits end, she was ready to try something new so I gave her a few simple strategies to deploy at work and at home.
And in her own words, “It changed EVERYTHING."
"I have so much more time, I'm prioritising my own stuff, and you know what? I've even got protective over it!" she told me last week.
"And you know the most surprising thing? No-one has gotten upset. In fact, I don't think they've even noticed the change. I feel so free. I don't know why I didn't think to try these things years ago."
So if you struggle with the same challenge, try out these steps out for yourself and see what difference they make:
1. Buy time - It can be difficult to tell someone no in the moment. If you struggle to say no because you fear facing people’s disappointment or judgement, or it feels awkward, simply say: “Let me look at my schedule / commitments / priorities and get back to you by x time.” That way you’re getting around the compulsion to say “yes” immediately; setting the expectation on the timing of your response; and creating space to properly review your to-do list and make a decision. If you’ve already got too much on or it’s not something you want to do, then deploy one of the following steps.
2. Use priorities – If the thing you want or need to say no to is work related, use priorities to negotiate. Go back to the person who made the request of you with a simple outline of your priorities and deadlines, telling or showing them that the request isn’t feasible without you changing those priorities. If that person is your boss, ask them what’s most important from their perspective and let them direct your priorities, agreeing with them which activities and deadlines will be pushed back. If that person is a colleague, tell them you’ve reviewed your priorities and deadlines and that you simply don’t have the bandwidth. No-one can argue with a factual lack of time.
3. Set an expectation – When someone is asking you to meet an unreasonable or impossible deadline, tell them: “To do a good job I’d need x hours/days/weeks”. This sets the expectation on the realistic timeline required to deliver something of value or quality, and it gives the requester a decision to make. When they make that decision, if they stick with the unrealistic deadline, use the priorities approach above next. And if they refuse to change the priorities, at the very least it means they will know to expect an ‘80% is good enough’ job, rather than a ‘100% perfect’ job.
4. Offer an alternative – Where you want to maintain a positive relationship with the person making the request, try lessening the impact of your ‘no’ by offering an alternative that satisfies their want while being something more preferable to you. For example, if a colleague or friend invites you to a bar, but loud places and drinking isn’t your thing, ask them if they want to grab coffee or do another activity instead. If someone wants you to collaborate with them on a project, introduce them to someone else who might be well-suited to it. The goal is to offer a compromise so they are happy and you don’t feel guilty for turning down a request.
5. Play the ‘busy’ card – If the thing you want to say no to is personal rather than work related, the easiest response after buying time is to respond saying you don’t have the time / bandwidth to take it on or participate for the foreseeable future. You don’t need to give details. Just say unfortunately you are too busy. No-one can argue with ‘busyness’. If you present it as a fact, it is what it is and most people will accept it.
If you’re interested in coaching support around boundary setting and saying no, to support your personal well-being and professional progress, or you know an aspiring or senior leader who could benefit from this, contact Souha Khairallah, Talent and Professional Development Director, PRCA at souha.khairallah@prca.org.uk, and ask for a no-strings strengths consultation call with me.
I deliver structured coaching programmes that help individuals dissolve their people pleasing tendencies in order to maximise their contribution and achieve their full potential, while avoiding burn out.
About the author
Alison O’Leary is a certified life coach, specialised in career coaching through her practice, Live True. In a 19-year career she has held a number of senior management positions within the PR industry, most recently as Deputy Managing Director, Europe for Racepoint Global. Alison specialises in people development and combines insights, tools and methodologies from corporate and personal coaching work to help PR professionals realise their true career potential for personal and organisational benefit. She partners with the PRCA to provide bespoke Senior Leader Coaching. For more information contact souha.khairallah@prca.org.uk.